きゅうりサラダ, Gurke-Salat, Салат Огурца, 黃瓜沙拉, Salade De Concombre

i am going to become a massage therapist. at least until i can afford to get my doctorates in philosophy and anthropology.

the other day i got my first ticket. i dont have a license and i got a ticket.

courage to strengthen, fire to blind, music to daze, and iron to bind. that will teach those dirty foxes!

last night i saw v for vendetta. it was alot better than i thought it would be. as a movie it was good but as a dystopian science fiction it was just ok. to its credit it did use modern themes such as security instead of freedom and morality instead of democracy to portray an extremist society that is in reality, very unlikely. it also trys to show that the basic of human emotions can truimph even the greatest of adversity. the only problem was that in the movie the government wasnt controling any one emotion or instinct besides homosexuality. where as in 1984 everything from love to empathy was illegal, and in brave new world ones right to be a singular entity was conditioned out of existance. the people in v for vendetta knew that the government was ful of crap and yet they stood by and accepted it. in the other dystopian stories the masses are so unable to do anything that it really is the struggle of one man or woman against something god like and not merely other men. so as a movie the whimsical ideals of V and the childlike innocence of Evey work, where in a dystopian novel they would be swallowed up and never seen again.

today is my birthday. love me.

the other day i say one of the worst movies ever. it was hostel. it was like euro trip but gone horribly horribly wrong. remind me to never go to europe. those people are fucking sick.

well tonight i sit at my computer, as i have for the last week, and go through the mountain of audio files i was given on new years by my friend dan. because of him i now have on my computer 61.93gb of music compared to my previous 7.3gb. that is 18786 files, or 70 days of continuous music while never playing the same file twice. while excited about the vast wealth of music i now have the daunting task of listening to this music see what stays and what goes. not to even mention needing to delete doubles and in some cases triplets of songs or other files. after this i do wish i had receive an ipod for christmas but i will just get a credit card. i mean i do need credit and how to do this better than to pay off the 300 something i will need for my nifty mp4 player.

well after 4 day of rain it has finally stopped. the rain has now turned to snow. the clouds and the gloom of before are still here but they have been turned into a white gloom. the sky as white and unbreaking as a piece of paper covering from horizon to horizon. i slept well last night. and i awoke early. well early for having gone to bed at 4. this morning i had a very odd harry potter kick and proceeded to look up the actors in the movies. sad i know but true none the less. im not really sure if i learned anything but i did at least learn their proper names and can refrain from calling them by their movie seudonymns. i was rather suprised to find that tom fleton (malfoy) loves fish and is going to college to learn about fish and fisheries. i hope i am not the only one who finds that queer in a child actor. i am kind of distressed, i had to delete a third of my music libray because it was duplicated or corrupted. i used to have about 12 gb of music and now i only have 7.96 gb. i know that is still a lot of music but now i am sad. i was so close to 3500 files and now am barely surpassing 2000. i know it is only digitally stored music and o i am not really losing anything but still my mind says i have. what exactly besides the music have lost i do not know. i had an odd dream this morning. i dreamt that i was in las vegas with my friend jessica and we were driving down oakey passing apartment after apartment and before i knew it i could see the ocean. it took me a moment to realize that i was in fact seeing the ocean. jess told me that we were in st. daniel or something like that and that i should give her more credit as it is only a 20 minute drive. i then saw that the ocean was frozen over and we were driving on the ice to this california like town. before that i dreamt i along with many others were fighting an evil spider queen and we had to get to her lair which just so happend to be an abandoned bookstore. it was very odd. at first in the dream i dreamt i was a child but then i was a woman. a woman who could sing fight. meaing that i would sing and my singing would heal people give me strength and stun others. i do not know what else it could accomplish as i was only trying to gain access to the lair and not kill the man who was stunned and disarmed. after searching for the queen for a while and discovering that there where people loyal to our cause among her servants i woke up. so as far as i know the spider queen has destroyed them all and is now free to reign. i dont know if my poor little mind can take that.

the rain still falls. it illuminates this abnormally warm december city as the lights reflect the rain and the clouds. casting a glow that makes me think of revelry and celebration when i know there are none. none that i know of and none that i see. some where in the city im sure there is a group of people dancing and drinking. making light of the rain and the gloom. possibly a carry over from the bringing in of the new year. possible but not all together likely as tomorrow is a monday. a monday and therefor a work day. unless they are as lucky as i and gifted with a three day weekend. already i am missing work. not knowing what to do with myself on this extend holiday. i sit here and type as a hymn that was possibly sung in a medieval cathedral is digitally played on my computer. the voices of the chior rising and falling as if they were in the same room as i. raising their voices to a god they have never seen but love unconditionally. never thinking, never asking. with a devotion so strong that even death is paled beside it. is my love or devotion so strong. do i raise my voice to god and give everything i am and ask nothing in return. can i just accept and not think but why or where or when. can i know that i shall never be myself for fear of god or salvation. to i pray and want and hope. i live my life day after day and i know who i am, or at least i hope that i do. i hope that who i think i am is who i really am. and that i am not just lying to myself as i often do to others. that my dreams and delusions havent finally erased what i think is true and what i think is false. that the lives i have been taught to work for are for something. that the life i think i want i really do. that i really in fact do want these lives. im not really sure what it is i believe i believe any more. the world and my view of it are forever shifting. like the silt at the bottom of a pool of water. once the pool is clear the silt rises only to cloud my sight, and by the time the water is once again cleared everything has changed. my perception, my understanding, and my desires. the soft drip drip sound of the rain continues. i can hear the water rushing into the drain in the middle of the parking lot outside. the small torrent of water on its course to a darkness beneath the city. i want to write about myself more and more with every passing day. it is merely the matter of what to write. i want to know who i am and what i am doing. jessica said that i want to know why, and that to find the why i may lose myself in doing so. to explain myself. my hopes my dreams. the reason and even reality behind them. nothing i do is without reason, but not every reason do i know. i think things and want things and know not why i do. is it life, or expierence, or reality. can i blame my problems on others or should i take full and complete responsiblity for all. do i hope to save the world and sacrifice myself to do it or do i take it all and hoard it to my breast. never giving or sharing. never caring of the others in my world or the next. do i even know what those lives  entail? some times i feel my life is merely the ramblings of a mad man. i never know where or who i am because neither does he who is telling the story. i think the rain is stopping. i can only hope the leak in my bedroom is fixed soon so i can move my bed back. i am tired of sleeping in the living room. but now i do have an extreme disliking for my room. i miss the carefree days when my life was perfect. i know that then i had my problems and the world was still harsh and cruel. but they were the cruelties of children and not those of responsiblities and necessity. the naivity of a child could get me passed anything and no dream was too far fetched. no idea too absurd. when i dreamt that i would be taken into some great adventure in some fantasy land far away and all of my problems would vanish. i sometimes if i still think one day a silvery gateway will open and i will walk away forever into a land of my own making. that the maddness in my soul will overpower the reason and the logic and facts will be come the fiction and the fiction fact. i dont know what tomorrow will bring. all i know is that i want to right a book. i dont know what it will be about but i know that it will be called "the boy who would be god." and i know that the boy would be me.